alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
