i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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