Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
