Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
