When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I've blown a few things in my day
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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