every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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