Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
