I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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