Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
