Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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