Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
