My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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