I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
