Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
