wanna go halves on a baby?
no, he came in my armpit
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
MIDGETS
????
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I woke up under a house in Key West
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
