mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
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im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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