all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
