EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
