Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
