Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
