oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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