I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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