Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
be right there i have to get my cape
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
