Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
