yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
well you can't waste a boner
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So much rum. So many feels.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
