she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
