i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
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Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
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Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
So here I am, sexting at work.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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