I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
