what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
