gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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