I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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