drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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