so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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