so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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