apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
