I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
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I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
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I believe in your delicious
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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