he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
