I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
