I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
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