I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
i think i just lost a toe
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
