How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
