yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
