She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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