Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
