the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
So. Much. Porn.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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