Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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