seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
