I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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