Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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