sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
