I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
