the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
