The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
