i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
