he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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